Unwanted Impression - Persona 5 Royal

The last time I had "Unwanted Impression" it ends badly because I never finish Cyberpunk 2077. However, I look back at that post and it reminded me about how much I hope to remember the small little details of enjoyment I had in games. So here it is, Persona 5 (P5 for short) that I had 120 hours in it with 1 complete playthrough.

Do note that there are no avoiding spoilers here, because I felt like I had to remind myself in the future how good this game is with its story.

Spare the long introduction, I will try to make it short. Persona 5 is not a new game, it's been released as console exclusive for years, and later on updated with the version that consists of DLC, Persona 5 Royal. Atlus Studio decides to release P5 on all platforms in 2022, with the inclusion in Xbox PC Game Pass, I had my hands on the game for the first time.

IMPRESSION

P5 is a standard JRPG, turn based combat, map that looks empty to walk around, have to hit or be hit by enemies to load into combat phase. Just a personal preference, I do think turn based JRPG games like this is slightly outdated, unless you have a good reason (like porting to mobile phone). Sounds like knit picking, but in truth I don't have much complain about P5, the combats are still fun that being said!

The best impression I had on P5 is, Atlus Studio basically blended visual novels into a standard JRPG. It is so smart to implement a time feature, so player can only do limited set of things based on how much progress you currently have. Always struggle if I should bond with certain characters first, or increasing my stats for combat, or getting more Personas to play the game like Pokemon. There are much much more to do in the game, always felt like "ah I wish I had more time" just like in real life!

LIFE WILL CHANGE

Story writing, characters development, they fit perfectly. It is a good starting point for players who are not familar with visual novel and want to get a taste of what it is. Although, story can get a little childish, but on the grand scale of entire story, there are points that I feel like I can take in and have my own interpretations in my life. The main theme is to "refuse to settle, stand up and fight injustice, make changes". Even if story can go childish, the theme is not. For that, I have a lot of respect on how the author write the stories and characters.

Can't move fast without breaking

Can't hold on or life won't change
And our voices ring out, yeah
Took the mask off to feel free
Fought it out in the debris
Now we know that life will change

The lyrics of the theme song "Life will Change" hits me so hard. Maybe it is due to what I have been experiencing in recent years, but I guess it suits a lot of people too. A lot of us are too afraid to leave our comfort zone, it can be anything in life. We always hold on to it but we want things to change for the better, not knowing that gripping it too hard leads to nowhere. Staying true to ourselves, not forgetting the adults we don't want to be when we were kids, accept changes in life. I felt like I learnt something from the game, I hope people do too. 

MEMENTOS

For future reference, ChatGPT is released on late 2022. ChatGPT is an AI model that trains itself with data from the Internet dated to 2020. Machine learning is an interesting study, ChatGPT model in some ways are just mimicking human behaviours on Internet until 2020, including all the knowledge that it can get from it.

Reason why I brought ChatGPT up is, I learnt and gave a good thought about Mementos in Persona 5. To explain, Mementos is a dungeon in Shinjuku in the game, it represents the collective unconscious of general public. This means the tendency of people leaning towards something, their thoughts and desires, is always show in Mementos. Now, does it sounds familiar to something I just mentioned?

Just for the fun of it, I asked ChatGPT's opinion on this and he gave me the answer that I expected. Yes, Mementos in P5 is very similar to ChatGPT. They are both general cognitive of the world that we live in, Mementos reply to human by appearing as obstacles or enemies to fight in the game, ChatGPT talks to human by text. This idea about Mementos is just so much fun, I have to bring it up in this review.

VERDICT

There are reasons to not like Persona 5, although for me they are not such a big deal:

1. Some boss fights are just not fun, I was basically grinding a damage sponge. The lack of strategy in a turn based RPG is not ideal.
2. Lengthy puzzles and dungeons, in a game that is so similar to visual novel is very weird! I really wanted to replay the game to try other routes for different characters, but knowing that I have to go through all the hassles for hours again just made me uninstall the game.
3. Tutorial is sometimes annoying, typical holding hands tutorial that limits what you can do. At the start of the game, it felt like there are so many things that I can do but they were locked for not progressing the story.

With that being said, I don't have a lot of games that I played for more than 100 hours. This might have been the third or fourth game, and I spent 120 hours in this game. Knowing that I don't have much time for games ever since I started working, this 120 hours playthrough felt very lengthy but I still enjoy it very much. There are other remakes for Persona 3 and 4, but looking at it they looks very outdated and I'm unwilling to commit that many hours into them. There might be Persona 6 in the future, and if there are any creative changes for it, I can't wait!

Persona 5 is a really enjoyable game for me! Probably due to the fact that I like stories and it is such a heavy plot game. Some game designs like characters affection, time limit, definitely inspires other games in this era whenever I play them. Atlus Studio made a giant in the game industry, that it is still a lot of fun even if it is a JRPG for players who don't usually like them much. Personal opinion would definitely be a 9/10 game!

Life Will Change

 Persona游戏系列，一直以来都是索尼PS独有的游戏。开发公司不知道收了索尼多少钱买断了市场，除了在PS之外无法游玩。Persona 5推出时反应极佳，主题曲“Life Will Change”更是鼓动玩家们抱着对邪恶拥有反抗的意识。一直保持不变妥协的日常，到头来只会苦了自己。

2022年，Persona开发公司Atlus宣布，Persona系列将会由Persona 5开始带入电脑和Xbox平台，随即任天堂Switch也跟着拥有发放版权。迎合着宣传和一直以来对Persona系列好奇心态的我，当然没错过的玩了该游戏。就犹如歌词所诉说的一般，“Can't hold on or life won't change”，我对2021有相当多的不满，最主要的是我要求一成不变而导致所有事情都停止或退步。万万没想到游戏这么应景，在逼着自己有些许改变后，相当的不安却有相当多意想不到的现况。

在2021年时所写的部落格，我感到有些许对朋友圈不满的情绪。或许我一直抱着2019和2020年时，这朋友圈让我感到亲切舒适的记忆而认定错不在朋友身上。但今年年头，我认定了一成不变并不会有任何的进步，所以借着酒意上头我退出了朋友圈的群聊，然后再各自发信息说我并没有断绝关系的意愿，我只是想找回自己的空间。然后几个月里，我过得相当不安。工作上得顶着我不愿杠的大责任，下班后回到四面墙的家里，周末得花时间看看和规划想买的屋子，买屋子这却足用了一整年的时间。

或许只是我太敏感，中学时期曾试过被孤立，我非常不喜欢任何小圈子活动。但事实上那群朋友里，被孤立的人似乎不明白状况或根本不在乎，另一方虽有苦衷却也只是变本加厉。面对这些不满，似乎只有我一个太在乎，所以可能我拿到了最好的结局，我松手大家都赢。再和他们聊天玩游戏出门喝茶也无妨，我有时也乐在其中，但退出群聊后大大的减少了我对任何人的埋怨。

从2021年开始，经过和父母的商议后，决定在2022年开始看房子买屋。1月到5月时，看了许多不太理想的屋子，我烦躁得接近爆发，我还让母亲别在2个星期里和我说话。哥哥在5月时回家见家人，在他的劝导下决定别把目标放太高，父母对我的期望太大才是我烦躁的主因。所以再一次的商议后，下定了决心找个二手公寓。然后在短短的一个月里，看房子，签字，银行琐事都如期进行。9月贷款发放了，拿锁匙大扫除，10月1日搬家。9月到现在，还在不停的购买或维修家庭用品，耗时耗钱耗精力。在众多的烦躁和压力下，买屋子的人生大事终于可以算大功告成了。如今的生活还可以再有所进步，但我也已经相当满意了。途中父母给了许多的帮忙，虽然前期让我觉得不快，但我知道自己无法偿还他们的这些心思了。

放在2021年，我根本不相信我会在一年里有这么多的改变。然而2022年并没有停步于此，在这么多事情发生和情绪中，我也终于离开了工作4年的公司！天啊，我以前真的无法想象一连串的事情一起发生的状况。3-4月时，应征一间外国游戏公司在大马的分行，失败了也再气馁了。6-7月时，配合着一些人际关系和抱着尝试的态度，应证了新加坡一间无名的新游戏公司。8月，在经过了三轮的面试后被录取了。当时忙着买屋，有些许反应不来，斟酌的考虑了一番。这是一个“Leap of Faith”，无从得知这间新公司是否有未来，只有尝试和努力过后才能明白。好处是，虽然是新加坡公司，却不需要员工到新加坡总部，只需有电脑在家工作就行。

对于旧公司，除了感激之外，我也没什么可再强调了。在一个社会新鲜人刚录取时，得到了许多的帮助和指导，认识了许多经验丰富的前辈，甚至可说改变了我对游戏行业的着重点。要说坏处，那当然薪金并不太理想，悠闲的公司文化也让人觉得停滞不前。有如我在2021年所认为的一般，倘若我不做出任何改变，我只会留在这公司里虚度光阴。所以10月，我正式离开了公司，11月便开始了新的工作。短短的一个月，我还在不安的状态，或许多几个月我能建起一些自信，但那些都是后事。

2002年世界杯，巴西赢了；6岁的我没什么记忆，但那一年我家却从吉隆坡搬到了安顺，过后十多年都和安顺有很多牵连。2006年世界杯，法国传奇Zidane在决赛得红卡，意大利赢了；10岁的我也并没有太多深刻的回忆，只记得这是第一次出国旅游的一年，并没有什么大事。2010年世界杯，西班牙美丽的足球十拿九稳的赢了冠军；14岁的我，经历了一些人际关系的失败，从此认为我孤独也无妨的态度活到了现在，虽然至今心态有所改变，但终归在14岁时塑造了我一些想法。2014年，我非常看好的阿根廷输给了大众热门的德国，梅西没赢得冠军我失望无比；18岁脱离了我并不喜欢的中学时期，踏入社会上大学，逼着自己认识人而交了一些我认为不错的朋友，也同时间找到了我有兴趣的事情：程序和游戏。2018年，法国在年轻的忍者龟带领下，毫无悬念的赢了世界杯；大学毕业入职游戏公司，开始了解游戏行业的种种知识，话不多说，第一份工作我学到了许多。2022年世界杯，在这篇文章书写中16强还在比试着，谁是冠军无从得知；离开了第一份工的我，也买了人生第一间家，在不安中继续前行。

每4年一度的世界杯，是足球粉丝盛大的活动。也因此让我很在意在那一年中发生的人生大事，碰巧的我不少人生大事都在每4年里发生了。不知4年后世界杯冠军花落谁家，也不知4年后有什么在未来等着我呢？

2021

 2019年，工作进入第一年，刚认识一群新朋友，基于种种借口并没在部落格留下任何痕迹。然后在隔一年里似乎想弥补一般随心写了一些有的没的。接着又似乎燃烧完能力，2021年里几乎没动力在这记录心情。所以我喝了一点酒，借着一点点的醉意随意的记录这不特别的一年。

世界好像停止一般，2020疫情爆发后，生活常态大改变。试过最长的一次，10天并没踏出家门口一步。待在家是新常态，人与人之间需要通过网络交际，缺少了温度，缺少了接触他人心坎的机会。工作好像盲目般，做完一单又一单，不知不觉中好像什么都没学会就完成了。然后2021年根本和2020年没差别一般，今年所发生的时事不说还以为是去年的事，奥运会不是2020年吗?

上个月过着25岁生日，也是一般待在家喝着酒听着音乐思考人生。25? 我应该没算错吧? 霎那间经历了existential crisis。社会不是期望着我们在30岁前都能有所成就，或有房子，或有妻子? 我只剩5年而已，事业爱情全都两头不到岸，我怎么办? 这世界不靠谱，有时想想也不明白为什么会执着他人怎么想，只要我还在前进着，就算是龟速又怎么得罪了你们? 社会习惯性对人冷淡，嘲笑他人的失败，那是社会人该反省的地方，都是社会的错!

今年身为一个人类，我又有什么进步吗? 感觉上我比以前更能与人沟通了，虽然也是绞尽脑子才能保持一段正常的对话。有许多我向往的人，都是擅长与人交流，感觉是那种你把他们当最好的朋友，他们最好的朋友却不是你。无妨，我能习惯孤独，虽然能力和愿意是两回事，起码我觉得我已经有所改进。有时真的很懒惰与人沟通，有时却好像独处地快疯了，经常平衡在钢线上。我偏与沉默那一方，有人替我当个能说能道的外向人就好，偶尔我想聆听多于诉说。

工作方面，一直以来我都有个上司，Tech Lead。2021年头，设计部的头脑人物离开了公司，身为一个游戏公司少了头脑根本无法操作。我上司既然已经在这行工作多年，经验老道，所以他便从Tech side转到Design。那么问题在这，谁来当Tech team的领队? 大家看来看去，好像看到只有我一个比较有经验。我立马在脑里想了一次“操”，然后在我不情愿的情况下，我得负责所有Tech team的疑问与工作分配。一个工作3年，连前辈的资格都没有的我，就此当上了不正式的Tech lead。当时在我脑海里想到的，就只有我应该立马离开公司，从新当个后辈Programmer。

这么说似乎身在福中不知福，但责任性这回事不是你说要扛就扛的，缺少带领他人的经验，缺少给予真确答案的经验，我根本无法当Tech lead。但似乎米已成粥，新加坡公司暂时不收外国职员，马来西亚缺少游戏开发公司，我命已休。2022年似乎已铺好了大道给我，我要么以最快速度进步提升自己，要么回家吃粥。这和我预想的前途似乎有点不一样，我只能在迷茫中更迷茫了。

后记，这篇部落格是在少酌几杯的情况中书写，此时此刻的心情或许与清醒时有少许不一样。

Unwanted Impression - Cyberpunk 2077

First of all, this isn't like any of my usual posts here. I once decided that there should only be Chinese posts in here, so that my language capacity does not deteorate into... crap, as if it wasn't at the first place. But seeing how I treat blogs more towards as a personal diary, albeit it being public, but seriously who cares about this place other than myself occasionally checking on my stupidity. 

Second of all, I'm kinda disappointed that I didn't jot down my impressions on games when I first played them. Yeah memorable games stick to my heart, but it's the tiny details that I wanted to remember and I couldn't. A long list of games with things that I like and didn't like, including Red Dead Redemption 2, Nier Automata, The Witcher 3 and maybe even 2, list goes on...

So, maybe in a few years and Google still haven't close down Blogger completely, and I managed to reread this, then I'll remember the first 15 hours of Cyberpunk 2077 impression.

INTRO

Cyberpunk 2077, according to CD Projeckt Red, has been in development for 8 years. Throughout 2018-2020, there are rumours, confirmation, then delays for 3 times and it's finally released on 10th December 2020. Pre-orders reached 8 million, already funding the development cost according to the company. History were made for being the best selling single player game until today, most concurrent players on launch day etc. With all eyes looking at this game, it's almost inevitable that at least some people were disappointed and call it "overhyped". Hey, at least no one force you into this hype train, you bought the game and helped in making history by pre-ordering. Comparing it to the previous gem, my favourite game of all time, The Witcher 3 Wild Hunt, Cyberpunk 2077 is the next step, the ambitious game that should inherit the success and evolves through it.

IMMERSIVENESS

To start the first impression, Cyberpunk 2077 is definitely an incomplete game. Although it's in development for 8 years, it should have stay in development for another 1 or 2 years. On launched, day 1 patch is already released. However, the game is bug beyond fixable that soon. During development, it was also mentioned that third person view is removed, that the game will solely focus on first person view. This might ease the development, to not needed for catering different perspective on each scenes. It's also crucial to showcase the immersion of the game, an actual first person view role playing game. Creates a character, decide yourself whether you want a vagina on a masculine body, there's no limit, be whatever you want in the game. This became a double edged sword. People are so focus into the game through first person view, you will notice every single details that is off, be it unnatural movements of NPCs or just straight up buggy cases, materials floating mid air, unsync lip movements and sounds.

Maybe we could ignored all the bugs, and judge the game based on other perspectives. However I look at it, the game feels like a GTA wannabe but just could not hit the final nail. The AI movements are not natural, full of videos demonstrating that online. Reusing art assets everywhere are usually fine, but to reuse them in every corner of Night City, seems to be a little less caring on the fine details. Not to mention the first place you wanted to explore, the main character V's room, is full of junks that are similar everywhere, and not much of them is interactable other than TV or radio or a couch you can sit on. Don't even mention the weird mirror that you can stare, scowl, smile at for some reason. The hawker food stalls under V's apartment gave me hope. For a minute I saw shadows of Hong Kong crowded and tiny apartments, the liveliness. Then it's really disappointing that you can't buy all the foods there. Every boss of the stall can be interact with, but their responds are likely "Huh?", "What?"

Night City looks gorgeous from afar. Chinatown, where we start at really gives a vibe of futuristic Hong Kong. Japantown is a poor name, but do consists of skyscrapers and also short double storey buildings, pretty cool. Jig-jig street in the area looks like Japan's red light district. These are art style and design that I really appreciate. I have yet to explore more places in detail, but a quick look at Downtown, Westbrook, they look awesome with their respective themes but with futuristic sense.

NARRATIVE

Less than 15 hours of gameplay, I couldn't judge the game story that quick. It could go even better from here or worse, only one way to find out. The overall impression currently is excellent. It took what was really good in Witcher, the quest design and further developed from there. Starting with Street Kid, Nomad or Corpo influences your story. Consequences of actions from quests. The hard to forget characters, poor Jackie.

That reminds me of how I judge trailers. Trailers are meant to tease, to make viewers ask questions and to buy the product to find out the answers. Trailers are a good way to sell movies, TV shows, live events and games. 2018 Cyberpunk trailer is good, not much was shown, only a brief explanation on how Night City looks like and the theme of the game, cyber and punk if it's not obvious. Then there is the Keanu Reeves 2019 trailer, which I'm sceptical at first, because I felt like it is a spoiler right from the start. But at that time I thought, since you are showing it in a trailer, maybe this part isn't important, there are much deeper plots from this. Well I was wrong later on, Jackie did died just like how he dies at the start of the trailer. Dex Deshawn wanna kill V just like how he kills him in the end of the trailer, although we don't know the real motive unless you play the game but does it really matter? Keanu being in the game, could have been a top news that will be talked in the industry for months if he is not revealed in the trailer. But this I can forgive, since marketing requires publicity, a sacrifice of famous actor reveals is necessary. Well in short, 2019 Cyberpunk trailer is shit.

VERDICT

It's really unfair to give a final judgement by just 15 hours, so I will either edit or make a new post after completion of the game. So far, the game still felt great. It is ambitious, maybe a little too much. Given time, this could have been a mark in history for another best game of the year. But for the quality we have right now, it's not in the list.

Cyberpunk 2077 is similar to Night City, fancy on the outside but hollow on the inside. From afar, everything seems good and all. From within, there is too much details that could have been done better. Is this due to lack of time and sacrificing everything other than main game flow? Only the company knows. CD Projekt Red is on the news for employees crunching as long as a year, that should always be reminded in the industry that crunch is not acceptable, not even a week so a year is disastrous. Yet even all the hardwork, the game is still missing a soul, how disappointed the employees will be.

Things That I Don't Want to Mention Much

• Poor optimization. CPU crank to 100% and GPU only runs 5%. Rub my eyes to check if I'm hallucinating on this one.
• Difficulty mid ground. Maybe it's just me, but there is no middle point for the second hardest and second easiest difficulty. 4 difficulties selection? Come on maybe there's a fifth in the middle.
• RPG shooting game. I know it's hard, but the game is low on creativity too. Chips installed on character that lacks modification (try looking at Nier Automata maybe?). Critical hit, poison and bleeding effects on gun shooting bullets? Ok...... Weird but I guess ok......
• Great audio. Digging it.

UPDATE IN 2023

I think I should give it a final conclusion since this post has been a while, 2 years+ is really a long time. In the end, Cyberpunk 2077 had a lot of patch for bug fixes. But I already dropped the game around 20-30+ hours, I couldn't remember. The optimization back then is so terrible, some parts are practically unplayable. With the continuous feeling of empty and hollow in the game, there are no reason for me to continue playing it.

In 2022, CD Projekt Red cooperated with Studio Trigger to release an anime call Cyberpunk 2077 Edgerunners. The anime is a big sell, it boosts the game by a lot. Many have turn their eyes back on the game, especially since it already had a lot of fixes. I never did go back into the game, as I already felt very disappointed with how hollow the game is. Hence, making this first review post to be incomplete.

24

 又一圈了，从诞生那一年到如今第三次的鼠年。谈经验，有许多成熟稳重的人思考能力远比自己好。谈玩乐，有许多年轻奔放的人比自己更会玩。在这不上不下的岁数里，不识愁滋味强说愁，喝了几口酒说了几句有押韵的话，硬把自己当成文艺青年一般。

家庭成长情况不一样，对人对事应对的方法都不一样。我的家庭很无聊，过节过日和一般无差别。没花出去的钱才是省，促销永远都不是节俭。别于大众一般思想，为了庆祝自己不庆祝的日子而去花钱。

如此这般度过了无数年，才发现自家里不庆祝生日，却是他人隆重的日子。面子要给足，无论是送礼或收礼，无论自己相熟或陌生。

如此这般度过了无数年，才明白庆祝别人的诞生是重要的，感谢他人存在于自己活过的世界，留下了或大或小的痕迹。

如此这般度过了无数年，却还没能明白谁虚伪谁是真君子。坦白的只是愚蠢的人，虚伪得离谱的人只是笨蛋，拿捏得准确的高手才是成年人，我们称之为成熟社交能力顶呱呱的人。

自认我担心自来熟，却是别人疏远的陌生人。我忘了礼轻情义重，原谅我尝试孤立自己。在我的生日里，我感恩我父母赐予我生命，养育教导我成人。我感恩在我生命中存在过的朋友，我尚有自知自明自己不是你们的生命中重要的一环，但你们却是我如今生命中非常重要的一环，无论未来还是否如此。

我向往坦诚做人，既然是知己，又何来可隐瞒的心情。

“Shall we talk? Shall we talk? 就算牙关开始打震别说谎”

我因为一句“口毒贴心”，似乎把我几年埋在心底的冤结都打开了。原来我还能希望他人会了解，原来我口上说得刻薄却还能有朋友，我感谢你们的出现。

有时写了下来才发现牛头不对马嘴，但不管了！部落格纯粹只是宣泄的平台，把这些无知的心情日记写下日后取笑自己吧！最起码这里是我可幼稚可愤怒可悲伤可高兴的地方，去其母之世俗眼光！

负

充满着负能量时，且不想让朋友们做过多无谓的关心，却也不想就这么闭嘴不说让自己难受无比。

酒精是很奇妙的一样东西，喝上脑后更加容易释放真实的自己，依靠着自己的理性尽量掩盖戴在脸上重重的面具，却犹如可用的手不够抓，面具都掉在地上裸露着自己最脆弱的弱点。可看到大家都面对着不同的问题，可小可大，也都是卡在各自内心的一条刺，然后各自交换着安慰与鼓励。在此记载着，倘若我真是无情的，也许有天我会把这群朋友都忘了，或许关系淡了，但此时此刻我很感恩能遇到这一群朋友。在大家的扶持着，总觉得我们都能在今天把所有都忘了，明天或许又得面对现实，但如今是忘我的开心与欢乐。

有所感触，是因为都会有所思，毕竟世上许多事情都没法天长地久。口头上说着过程远比结局重要，但却怎么也不想看到结局。能各奔西东，追逐着可能是天真的梦想而分散注意力，那或许还不错。我想离开，却也离不开。憎恨着犹豫不决，却因为自己缺乏毅力，上进心，所以徘徊不前。我真恨我自己。

车到站了，这不是跨州的直通列车，只是城市里兜圈的公交。无法抉择我是否该上车，“再等下一班吧，30分钟后又会来多一趟”，就这么空等着。

或许时机一到，就该告白吧。我就继续这么愚蠢地等着，利用着堆积的借口把自己或别人的理性都掩盖着。或许我害怕的是什么都留不住。

这不是推特

久违了，2019年终于没更新部落格，找不到任何长篇大论的抱怨自己生活的理由，所以也就没更新吗? 相比起来还是推特比较方便释放情绪，但这不是推特。

看了看上一次更新，了解当时的情绪，啊，现况并没什么差别。迷茫的地方还是觉得很迷茫，该撞墙却怕撞得头破血流，所以躲在角落里抱怨不敢向前踏步。而终于勇敢的尝试了一回，却失败得一塌糊涂，任何仅剩的自信心瞬间消失了。

生活也不是一成不变，2018年末或许觉得稍微落寞，事业不太顺心，朋友也有自己的朋友。然而其中几名大学的朋友邀请我认识一人的中学朋友们，2019便因此变得不一样了。大家可能都谈得来，呆在一起不是喝酒，唱K，喝茶宵夜都觉得挺舒适的。每个星期都在期待着周末可能会安排时间待在一起，吹水耗时间也不错。要说因此改变了我的世界也不为过，和母亲也如此告知她，却被反问如何改变了。当时说不出口，也有点想找理由证明自己一般，却发现改变的是不计较的心境。

本身自认我不是个通情达理的人，自私计较，为了自己的目的和原则我并不太理睬他人的感受。但也觉得和这群新朋友们的相处下，我或许有所进步吧。别想太多随意一点，大家都能更舒适更开心。一起外出需要理由吗? 并不，能一起花时间就足够了。

事业吗，开始有一点着急吧。规划自己的生活需要些什么，想达成什么目标，怎样都离不开钱啊。在这行走下去，以如今的速度，10年后得为了买房子买车买保险抓头抓到变秃了。为了不止步不前，看到了新加坡谷歌的职业机会，抱着尝一尝的心态参加线上考试，原来我的水准是这么低啊! 但因为不太执着这机会所以也没当一回事，这失败并不代表什么。然后也看到新加坡有个相当著名日本游戏开发公司的空缺，机不可失啊! 参加了第一轮线上面试，受邀去新加坡参加第二次面试外加技术测试，心里澎湃不已。

测试吗，还不错吧，相信一份不期待学生们能拿到100分的考卷能拿到大概40分(自行猜测)，不优秀但也算及格的水准。面对日本总公司的高层面试，翻译员应该也能表达出我是有心想从马来西亚搬到新加坡就业的真诚。重头戏在于之后新加坡公司的上司面试，拿着我刚刚手写的测验卷，看也没看就向我丢出了口头测验，让我在短时间里想出测验问题的解决方案。口吃，大脑一片空白，手心满是汗，有一回几乎认为我应该直接站起来和他道歉说自己太差了放弃机会。但终归并没这么做，尴尬的10分钟后，加上那位上司的一点点暗示还是想到一个答案，但心里明白任何的好印象应该都破灭了。

沮丧的回到马来西亚，毕竟第二天还得上班，心想这回交通费都贵得向我颈项砍了一大刀。奇迹发生了，本以为完全没机会却得到了第三次面试的邀请。老实说心情就像过山车一样起伏了几次，满载期待去新加坡面对第三次面试，自信对着日本大老板也不太畏惧的回答他任何问题。(日本大老板是游戏界中数一数二的传奇人物，说的话在游戏界有一定的威名，能让他面试我这小小的程序员我光荣不已)

话说，第三次面试能失败的人不多，回来后和谈得来的同事们说了一切，他们也说我肯定拿到了这份工，可能就此别过了。然而希望越大失望越大，到如今我也得不到肯定的理由告知我的失败。猜测是，第三次面试中好像有大概5个人，而相对他们我的第二次面试考试比不过他们吧。比起第二次面试的沮丧，这次我伤心的无法比喻，回到家待在房里欲哭无泪，我不知怎样从这失败中站回起来。

这不是，也不能是我倒下去的借口。这失败伤得很深，了解自己其实并不厉害也不够上进，但做人就得继续走，躺着地球还是一样转。鼓励的话语很多，听得进耳其实不多，“世界向前走一定只有路口没有尽头”或许是我唯一听进去的话吧，谢谢陈奕迅。

如此这般，生活有压力才会进步。感恩在压得喘不过气时认识了这群朋友们，或许如今的生活并不至于漆黑暗淡，但他们确实照亮了我的生活。2020，我还会走到哪里，明年我还是觉得活得一样的状况吗，还在抱怨自己并没进步吗。我确实拭目以待。